I’ve just returned from a short break in Copenhagen (separate article to follow soon) and decided to take a side trip to Malmo in Sweden, which is a mere half hour train ride from the main station in Denmark and only twenty minutes from the airport.

I don’t know what I was expecting but Malmo failed to live up to the images formed in my mind’s eye. As the train pulled out of the station I could clearly see in my head a reformed Abba, rocking out on stage, while another Bjorn (Borg) fought back to win in five sets and a harem of blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauties surrounded me on every side. And then it happened…I arrived in what I can only describe as one of the dullest cities I have ever had the displeasure to set foot in. The blonde harem is obviously in a state of premature hibernation, Abba will never reform and Borg has hung up his rackets.

Now if you read on through the negative comments you will see that I was a bit hasty and had to retract some of my initial thoughts. There were some positives as the day went on but it was a battle to stay alive while walking through the city. It seemed like those who lived there faced similar tribulations. Every time we chortled at a Malmo joke somebody would turn round wondering what that strange sound was. Yes, sir, it’s called laughter. I have never been to a city and seen so many people talking to themselves, clearly driven mad by life there. The suicide rate is much higher than in other Swedish cities and there was a feeling of hopelessness pervading the air. The new shopping centre is brightly painted but even this can’t drive out the despair.

At the train station a high police presence was an indicator of the increased crime levels that have accompanied a population swollen by refugees. The green arrows welcome refugees and point them to an arrival centre. We joked that they probably arrive in Malmo and ask how they can get home to Syria and Iraq but the situation is dire and tensions clearly evident.

Want a few Malmo jokes? Ok. Here’s one. Malmo is Swedish for gloomy. Another? A short break in Malmo lasts 48 seconds not 48 hours…hopefully! I stepped in a dog turd in Malmo…to give myself something to do. Malmo’s best tourist attraction is the bridge taking you to Copenhagen. Well it probably is to be fair. The Oresund Bridge linking Denmark and Sweden is the largest in Europe. The bridge consists of both a bridge, a tunnel and the artificial island Peberholmen. Combined it adds up to a total length of 15.9 km. It is impressive to see and it’s good to say you have been over it.

Now, putting that excitement to one side and returning to more mundane matters… When things get really bad, people paint their shoes and jump in the water to die. Well again that is not technically true but there is a bridge where there are bronze replicas of nineteen pairs of shoes worn by famous actors. I particularly liked the exhibit to the strangely named actress, Git Gay for some reason. It seems appropriate that there are just shoes and that the bodies have gone, and so close to the edge of the bridge too.

Just nearby there is a Thai massage parlour. We surmised that this is probably the only place in the world where a guy would go for a massage from a beautiful Thai lady and it would be a guy giving the massage.

More Malmo jokes? Ok here goes… Malmo was founded by a couple, Mal and Mo who were really bored and wanted other people to share their experience. We certainly felt their boredom keenly. Arriving mid-morning it was an absolute joy to be able to spend a few minutes negotiating the luggage lockers and not having to see the sights…I mean “sight”. It turned out that the sight was quite close to the station but we spent several torturous hours going through the city centre trying to locate the city’s soul. Unfortunately it didn’t appear to have one. So you’re asking what the sight was? Well, apart from the Oresund Bridge there is also the Twisting Torso, a huge residential tower block, the largest such structure in Scandinavia. It is impressive to see the nine twisting cubes of the high rise building. The whole area, a new conglomeration of different styled houses and apartment blocks, is reasonably interesting and the walk along the sea front is pleasant without being memorable.

Did you hear the one about the sea? It came in to the shore at Malmo and swam back out quickly when it saw where it had landed. Along the sea front there is a man-made grassy hollow with four surround-sound speakers built into the banks that pump out a playlist ranging from dire muzak to a live Sting concert. The acoustics are really good but it was crying out for a guitar hero. I will say that there is a really nice café to sit outside whilst eating toasted chicken and cream cheese bagels and looking out to the Oresund Bridge (of the Scandinavian drama The Bridge).

You can even put your feet up on loungers while sipping a latte, although I suspect that the number of days’ sunshine is limited. In fact, I overheard a Swedish lady telling a British couple that it is not normally so mild at the end of October. Where would you go in Malmo if it was raining and you couldn’t spend seven hours traipsing the streets? The library? Well its funny you should say that…in the absence of anything more exciting, we did drop by the library. Needless to say the shelves full of travel guides did not contain a single one about Malmo.

So this is a very negative take on a very…dull place. I should try and say something more positive. Maybe that the rainbows in Malmo are upside down. Is that a good thing or not? Mmm not sure.

We decided to take the weight off our feet and have a beer oustside a bar overlooking the water and as it started to go dark we realised that Malmo is better at this time of day. As people spill out of their schools, colleges and places of work the streets and cafes and bars fill up there is a totally different vibe. The same was true later when we had a substantial meal sitting under a giant heater for just £10 a head. The place was heaving. So my advice would be to go to Malmo in the evening or certainly at the weekend and not during the working week.

©Cre8ivation